I removed my previous posts. I might re-post the short stories but at this moment I'm not sure. For the moment they serve as painful reminders of my rejection.
Right now I'm struggling with emotions that I've never had before. I built a friendship with a man over a year and it's a bond I never thought could have. We talk about our families, comic books, video games, sex, love, art, books, and everything our geeky little hearts desire. We had an instant bond from day one and our chemistry was and is undeniable. During one of our conversations we made it known that we were attracted to each other. Then the day came when we kissed and the kiss lead to more kisses. They were passionate, hungry kisses that always left me wanting more. We talked about doing more and I was told that he wanted it; he wanted me and he wanted to have sex. He told me that he loved me.
I told him that I loved him and I meant it. I love my friends and he was no exception. He's smart, talented and charming - what's not to love.
There was a part of me that knew it was wrong to have sex with him; we were both in relationships and didn't want to leave our partners. There was also the part of me that didn't care. I wanted him and besides - he had done this before. His previous tryst ended with his bride finding out but I was going to be different. There would be no extensive texts full of intimate details. There would be no declarations of love in print. I just wanted two friends to get together and if the opportunity presented itself, those two friends would fuck each other to kingdom come! Then it happened...
As soon as sex seemed like a real opportunity he began to back away. On and off. Off and on. Back and forth. Hot and cold. It finally became very clear to me that he wasn't going to sleep with me. He was never going to sleep with me. Excuse after excuse and it took me along time to realize that those excuses were his way of backing out of something he never wanted in the first place. I had been lied to and lead to believe that I was someone he wanted. The reality was that he just wanted someone to flirt with but he took the flirting too far. He has apologized but I don't think he understands why he's apologizing. He's saying sorry to make it go away. He wants a quick fix, so I told him that I wasn't hurt.
I lied. I am hurt. My feelings, my ego, my heart. I fell for the oldest woman-brain train of thought: "It'll be different with me." I wanted him to think I was special and sexy. He would say the words (sort of) but his actions were sufficiently vague; I never quite knew where I stood and that made me feel like it was ok to try to push forward. All that did in the end was make me look like a fool. I'm chasing this guy who's not chasing me. My countless expressions of adoration were met with"same here" and "me too" but not once was I being told that I was adored or wanted. I was feeding his ego; making him feel wanted after getting the sob story of how he and his bride were not intimate anymore. One would think that if he really wasn't getting it, then he would take it from the young, hot woman who was offering it to him. For all I know it could have been a game or an ego trip for him. I fell for him and I got duped in the process.
I've heard people say, "if someone wants to be with you they will make it happen." He wasn't willing to make it happen. In fact, it was easy for him to say no because he never really wanted it in the first place. I suggested that to him and he didn't even argue or tell me it wasn't true. It took me a while to see it but now that I do I have let go of that fantasy. I told him that we can remain friends and I meant it. Once I make sense of what kind of person can treat a "friend" the way he has treated me I think we will be able to just talk and be normal friends. It will take a while for me to repair my ego and rebuild my trust. In the end I know I will be stronger.
